Wendy Andrews

[Wendy Andrews]

I got to hear half of it too and found it fascinating.

[Wendy Andrews]

That’s fantastic Gina. I’m putting this free online resource link here. It’s for the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course I’ve attended twice now…this resource even includes the mindfulness/meditation exercises in the left hand column.
(‘mindfulness’ is a term used in this course mainly, I think, for people who have negative reactions to the term, ‘meditation’! 🙂 )

http://palousemindfulness.com/index.html

[Wendy Andrews]

Hi Denisa, I hear your frustration and pain.

I want to reassure you that you can absolutely recover from the trauma of your past (and I’m so sorry it was so awful).

There are reasons your sister is different. She may have a different temperament; you may be more empathetic/sensitive, so daily life may have affected you more; you may have had added traumas that she didn’t; your trauma response may have been more ‘fight’ while hers is more ‘flight’ or ‘freeze’; sometimes people lock everything away deep, deep down and it is only when some big life event happens that the lid comes off.

It sounds like your cup is pretty empty, which makes it really hard to find anything to ‘give’ anyone. I wonder if you are able to do some one on one counselling with Genevieve via Skype, I think you’d really benefit….or with someone else nearby (it’s just that Genevieve has a REALLY good understanding of what you have survived and what you are trying to parent on the top of).

It’s worth remembering that you are at least ATTEMPTING to parent in a very different manner to what you experienced, even if you don’t manage it the way you would like to. No matter how many mistakes you make, it will never be as bad as what you experienced.

If you are doing the parenting course, which your post suggests, I think you will really benefit from the graphics that get sent out with the different sessions, as there are few words and sometimes the visual image sticks better. Your ability to concentrate should improve as you sort out other areas like healing from the traumas of the past.

I warmly wish you all the very best.
Wendy

[Wendy Andrews]

You’re welcome Bianca, would love to hear how you go.

[Wendy Andrews]

Another thing to add to Tab’s great ideas, Bianca, is to list all the ways your son is similar to your brother and then all the ways he is different. This helps the mind consciously separate the two people who’s few similarities have got linked.It’s great that you’re on to it!

[Wendy Andrews]

Hi Bianca, I’ve read a couple of your other posts and am responding to this one first. I have also found it helpful to group my main issues under the CPTSD heading for now. And, this year, I’ve attended two Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction courses.
If you are like me and dissociation has been a lifelong coping strategy, I don’t see myself stopping the body scans any time soon! When some big feelings are up, I find Kristin Neff’s loving kindness meditations useful and I also listen to Genevieve’s recordings. I am in no hurry whatsoever to stop listening to the recordings, although the courses did advocate for that but it was just so that, in moments where we don’t have access to them, we are still able to breathe and centre. This is what Genevieve suggests too, this centring, as a cornerstone of peaceful parenting practice, so, yes, it’s useful to be able to practice that skill, train that ‘muscle’….but, really, there is nothing wrong, to me, in always listening to recordings, as long as that is an easy enough thing to factor into your day.

[Wendy Andrews]

I think I did find that old ‘Where did I Come From’ book in a 2nd hand shop but it was pretty much overridden by daughter discovering loads of animals mating and giving birth on youtube. She also asked tons of questions. Later on, I gave her a copy of Kaz Cooke’s Girl Stuff as a reference. The book you found sounds fab, Tab (cute rhyme :D)

[Wendy Andrews]

Hi Rebecca, it’s so fabulous that you want to be able to parent yourself peacefully…intention and awareness means you’re well on the path.

I take it this wasn’t modelled for you growing up and, in fact, your own childhood was quite tricky….that’s usually the reason for needing to learn how to be kind and nurturing to ourselves.

Because most of our hurts are to do with inadequate attachment from our early days, work IN RELATION with a counsellor can be very beneficial and healing, simply for receiving care, attention and empathy from another human, as well as benefiting from things they have learnt that might specifically help you.

A listening partnership is also very valuable, teaming up with someone and both agreeing to take turns listening to each other vent, usually over the phone at an arranged time, with no judgement or advice, just compassion and warmth (in fact, practising what we are recommending we do for our children). This can be very healing and a fantastic way of not letting things build to breaking point during the week.

Then there’s mindfulness practice, which, until recently, was the missing link for me. It really does re-wire the brain. There are many paths and now, many apps for the phone for reminders to pause, take a breath and bring awareness to what is in the body right now.

Bodywork is also very beneficial to many, as it bypasses the mind-mazes and goes straight to where old, painful feelings are stored. There are many to choose from, including EFT (or ‘tapping’), kinesiology, Somatic Experiencing, Gentle Chiropractic, EMDR (an eye movement thing).

And lastly (that I can think of) there are books and articles and youtube. I highly recommend anything by John Bradshaw, such as Homecoming: Championing the Inner Child; or The Family; or anything by Pete Walker, who has articles on his website, http://www.pete-walker.com; anything by Brene Brown or Kristin Neff (both big on self-compassion and anti-shame). You can search most of these names on youtube and find free talks by them.

If I think of more, I’ll come back to this. Meanwhile, I wish you well Rebecca. Feel free to say a little more about what you’re looking for as it may narrow down the search (and pm me if it feels more comfortable for you).

[Wendy Andrews]

Hi Najla, this sounds so positive! Such simple adjustments can seem to work magic hey! Our children are so keen for this and so forgiving too. It’s important that you do this at the pace that works for you, no pressure from us at all.

[Wendy Andrews]

Welcome Mairead, I’m really glad you came across the peaceful parenting concept, it says a lot that you, along with everyone else here, were open to it! Feel free to ask any questions.

[Wendy Andrews]

I love the stop sign idea Dianne. And yes, funny how it’s so hidden from us that tears are healing. Whatever caused them is usually already over and they are the body’s way of clearing the emotional (and chemical) debris.

[Wendy Andrews]

Another option, Michelle, is to be able to decide, ‘hmmm, he’s got something going on for him, I’ll see if a bit of laughter loosens things up’. It could look like this, ‘Why you…..’ in an exaggerated, cartoon like upset voice, and chasing him, perhaps tripping, not quite getting to him and seeing if he is running and laughing. Perhaps you could catch him and give a good old snuggle, that could turn into wrestling/roughhousing, where he laughs a lot, has to fight hard to beat you but does eventually, after a big, sweaty go. Of course, if he doesn’t laugh, just stop and move on. Big laughter is a fabulous way to release big fear and even the sweatiness from wrestling is releasing it too.

These options come easily to some people and not to others. Again, the more you offload your own childhood stresses, the easier the playful approach becomes (and the more likely you are to even THINK of it in that moment when he’s lashed out).

It’s worth noting, it doesn’t really matter which option you go for, whether the warm, gentle, physical limit, OR the vigorous laughter. Whether the feelings release through tears or laughter, it is the release that matters (and the more we heal ourselves, the less the concept of ‘tears’ and ‘crying’ bothers us because it’s not touching on our own childhood, unhealed pain any more, it just becomes a beautiful part of the human healing process. Having been releasing my own backlog for many years, I can hear a child crying nowadays and think, ‘go for it, little one’, knowing they are getting out some big emotional tensions that will ease their pain….of course, it’s much, much more effective when a caregiver is right there with them, lovingly giving them warm attention while they cry. I think I managed to keep my thinking pretty sharp growing up because I DID cry easily….I did most of it by myself in bed, so it got some isolation stuff attached to it but it still helped).

[Wendy Andrews]

Plus, I think it’s fine here. The Active Listening is setting the limit, (holding him gently, saying ‘I can’t let you do that’), and listening to the emotional release, putting aside your own feelings and judgements, then stating the limit again, seeing if it allows more feelings to come out.

[Wendy Andrews]

When an off-track behaviour comes out of the blue, Michelle, it helps to bring a physical limit to our child, rather than just our words. So, along with, ‘I can’t let you do that’, gently holding his arm is what will catch the intense feelings causing the lashing out to burst out in tears or a tantrum. If you don’t catch it at that point, you’ll find, as you did, that they will keep searching for the limit by doing more and more ‘off-track’ things (another way we see it is if you give them something they’ve requested and then they change their minds and NOTHING satisfies them).
We can be sure that SOMETHING has happened, some fear during their day but in that moment, it doesn’t make sense to ask for details. Their brain is in fight or flight brainstem survival mode, where language doesn’t factor in. Once they’ve had a big, loud, tearful, sweaty release of tears and frustration, which switches the brain back to the pre-frontal rational thinking, reasoning lobe, THEN they may well be able to verbalise something that happened earlier.
So you got there, you did listen when he started crying and later, when he’d got the bulk of it out, he was able to talk with you about it. The only thing to do differently is recognise, ‘hmmm, something’s obviously up’ and provide that gentle, physical limit, with warmth and caring. Of course, this takes practice and doing our own work that will help extend our reaction time so that WE ourselves don’t immediately jump to our own fight/flight survival mode when our child lashes out. The more we are heard about our own childhood hurts, and practice mindfulness, the more we can grow that reaction time. You’re on track Mama!

[Wendy Andrews]

Sounds like some real positives there Ruth. Do you do Special Time/One on One Time with him? Might be an opportunity for a good dose of that to fill both their cups.

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