Self-healing

[Bianca Green]

I had a really big aha! moment today. A wonderful Christmas gift.

I had slept fitfully, and my son skidded into our room and I awoke with the awareness someone had dived under the bed. I found myself calling out my brothers name. As I woke fully, I realised I was replaying my unhealed, dysfunctional sibling relationship with my son.

It never used to feel so charged. I guess it started to happen that when my daughters were born he felt pushed out and his behaviour became more off track. And ever since then I’ve desperately been trying to be unconditionally loving towards him.

In my own upbringing,I had a twin brother who was labelled as hyperactive from a very early age. We spent a lot of ourchildhood bouncing around therapists offices, counsellors and doctors trying to solve the “problem”. What I feel is that I made myself small and quiet to accomodate this, and if ineeded comfort or attention I was shamed and humiliated eg being called a drama queen, clingy etc.

My brother would taunt me for what seemed like hours, until I finally lost my temper and hit him, screamed. I was told off for reacting to it. A theme that continued when we went to high school. I understand now as an adult that yes I am responsible for my reactions, but don’t believe that a child develops that skill by being taunted ignored or shamed.

I’m wondering how to heal this and stop identifying my lovely gorgeous child with horrible childhood memories?
Consciously I adore him, admire him – which makes this all the more sad.

[Tabitha Jonson]

Hi Bianca,

What an amazing aha moment.

A couple of initial ideas that come to mind are, firstly, this awareness is a huge step and it will be interesting as the days go by what you notice with this new found realisation.

As a start, do you have Genevieve’s Stress Relief for Parents audio? There is a track on there that takes you though a process where you can sit with that moment, think of a time in your childhood and then think what you needed in that moment. You then think through what your child needs now. I have found it really beneficial.

Journalling and/or talking with a trusted listening partner, can also help. Perhaps noting down the times you become triggered and just writing about your memories as a child. Then go through and empathise with the child-you. What are you feeling? What did you need?

[Wendy Andrews]

Another thing to add to Tab’s great ideas, Bianca, is to list all the ways your son is similar to your brother and then all the ways he is different. This helps the mind consciously separate the two people who’s few similarities have got linked.It’s great that you’re on to it!

[Bianca Green]

Thank you – I’m definitely going to try Te exercise and yes I do have Genevieve’s audits so can make more use of them – I really appreciate your responses

[Wendy Andrews]

You’re welcome Bianca, would love to hear how you go.

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