Many parents dismiss mindfulness as something only relevant for Buddhist monks with hours to sit in silence. In reality, practising mindfulness ourselves, and modelling it for our children, can be the very thing that shifts a family dynamic from daily chaos toward increased happiness and harmony.

Mindfulness is simply the practice of slowing down and becoming present to whatever is happening right now: our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and the world around us. It’s not about making ourselves be positive, it’s about noticing what’s present with as much acceptance as possible.

For instance, when we stop and notice our inner thoughts, feelings and sensations, we might note; “gosh I’m holding so much tension in my body and feeling a bit anxious in my tummy”. Far from being a luxury, this ability to pause and notice is one of the most practical and effective tools a parent can develop.

Why is mindfulness so important for parents?

As soon as we notice what we’re thinking or feeling in this mindful way, we shift from being at the mercy of our thoughts and feelings to having more agency. In noticing that our shoulders are tight and our breath is shallow, there’s a natural urge to relax our muscles and take in more air. And in doing so, we’ve just shifted our inner state in a positive way.

Mindfulness brings relief, and can thus take us out of the stress response and back to feeling calmer. When we come out of the stress response (activated sympathetic nervous system response), we can again think, function, and feel so much better! The action of mindfully witnessing our inner and outer experience without judgment can gently reduce mental and emotional turbulence. This article aims to provide clarity about what mindfulness is, why it works and what that can look like in your family.

Managing behaviour in the family is mostly about managing stress. And the better we can manage our own stress, the more patience we’ll likely have to help our kids to manage theirs!

When mindfulness sounds like another thing to fit in

Even the word ‘practising’ can feel so exhausting! Unlike the thought of sitting in a funky cafe with coffee and cake, now that gets those dopamine receptors firing! “Coffee and cake versus sitting with my messy stressy feelings, hmm…”

What is mindfulness really?

Let’s break down the definition I gave above:

“Mindfulness is about consciously slowing down and becoming present to our in-the-moment experience, including our inner experience of thoughts, feelings, and sensations, with the intention to witness without judgment or evaluation.”

What does slowing down, becoming present to our experience, and witnessing without judgment mean and why does it help? The more stressed we become, the faster and more chaotic our thinking and the faster and more shallow our breathing becomes.

Mindfulness is about making a choice to slow down and truly notice our experience. Doing this repeatedly literally tames your brain in a good way!

Sign up to to our Mindful Parenting eCourse

This eCourse includes a one-hour video seminar on Stress Management and Mindfulness by Genevieve, an audio interview on the shift network where Genevieve spoke on the topic Conscious Mindful Parenting, plus a Zoom webinar on identifying and resolving triggers and more.

Simple Ways to Teach Mindfulness to Kids 

This article offers 13 easy ways that you can bring mindfulness into your child’s daily life and help them develop more mindfulness in their thoughts, feelings and actions.

Try this powerful affirmation “I observe these sensations”

This affirmation can help to keep your mind focused on your experience in the moment. This simple practice has lived on with me since doing a Vipassana 10-day silent meditation retreat in India in my twenties. When we observe with the aim to accept rather than change, fix or push away our thoughts, feelings and sensations, we evoke our witness consciousness, as it’s called in certain spiritual circles.

As Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegel explains it, we’re applying the more logical perspective of our higher brain’s thinking (the prefrontal cortex or upstairs brain) to the heightened emotions in the limbic and brain stem (or downstairs brain as he calls it) which reduces mental and emotional chaos.

When a child can’t sleep

If my son had trouble sleeping when he was young, I would do this last activity with him and he’d quickly settle into sleep. When he was a little older, if he couldn’t sleep, I would suggest: “Watch your breathing in your belly” and tell him I would check on him again soon, and it always helped him fall asleep quickly. As adults or children, any activity that shifts our focus to our body awareness tends to bring more balance.

Bringing mindful parenting into busy stressful days!

Let’s explore the example of a mother who collects her child from kindergarten on a busy day. An argument sparks when the child demands they go to the shop for a treat. The debate is raging, both presenting their argument to the other. But then the mum consciously notices that her stress is through the roof. She shifts from feeling beyond frustrated and powerless to remembering that she actually needs to slow down and get centred.

Instead of continuing the argument, the mum brings her attention inside and tunes in to her breathing. She notices how strained it is, now feeling her body’s need to make each breath a bit deeper and longer. She takes in more air and more fully releases stress on her out-breath. This reflection allows her to become aware of how her nerves react to her child’s upset. She notices how tightly she’s holding her shoulders, neck, and jaws and naturally drop her shoulders. She becomes conscious of the blaming thoughts racing through her head: “Just stop child!”, “Why do I fight back!”, “If her Dad didn’t say yes to treats every time..!”

A parent witnessing their experience and slowing down their breathing reduces the pressure just enough to be able to resist the urge to raise their voice or just go and get that treat. When a parent better manages their stress in this way, they gain more composure and strength to hold strong even when their child is upset. The mum might say; “honey, it’s not going to happen. I know this is hard for you, I know you’re so upset. Let’s do something nice together when we get home.” Their child might still be upset, but the parent can now be more present to their child’s inner experience: “You’re so disappointed aren’t you?”

Meanwhile in their brain…

The fast breathing and the stressful thoughts were giving information to the limbic emotional downstairs brain that there was danger afoot. The emotional centre was becoming increasingly over-activated and hijacking the upstairs brain making it hard to think straight.

“Part of the process of developing mindsight involves reducing reactivity when it’s not actually necessary.” – Daniel Siegal

This is tricky, not tragic

When we stop, drop into our body awareness and notice what’s happening inside, we can then feel the body’s pleas for relief. So we naturally breathe more fully, which slows down the breathing, sending messages to the limbic centre that the threat is reducing.

Noticing and witnessing our thoughts engages the left prefrontal cortex (PFC) and sends messages from the limbic (or downstairs brain), that we’re just stressed. Becoming consciously aware that there isn’t a real threat in this moment and everything’s going to be ok takes us out of the stress response and back to feeling more safe.

When we come out of the stress response, we signal to our child that they are safe and everything’s going to be ok.

One of the affirmations I suggest in my Peaceful Parenting eCourses is “This is tricky, not tragic”. It helps this process of bringing things back into perspective, back to the present moment. The tools I teach in these courses fit within my CCC model: Centre, Connect, Communicate. Without being able to get centred, we can’t connect in a way that settles our child and most communication results in power struggles.

Training the brain to disengage the stress response when it’s not necessary or helpful

Every time we choose to be mindful, we practice focusing our mind and strengthening our mental ‘muscles’ similarly to strengthening physical muscles through exercise. When faced with genuine threats like being physically attacked or a near car accident, it’s appropriate and helpful for the stress response to kick in. Emergencies require this very rapid mobilisation of energy throughout the body and brain. In the stress response, the sympathetic nervous system response takes over and there’s a huge increase in adrenalin and cortisol.

High adrenalin and cortisol levels can become addictive because it temporarily gives us superhuman energy, strength, and speed. Yet, there are many negative effects. When in the stress response, our thinking becomes black and white and fear based making more methodical problem-solving and strategising less accessible.

It is that it is

Common affirmations used amongst those who teach and practice mindfulness are “it is that it is” and “I am that I am”. Both statements are a reminder to accept our experience, rather than reject, judge or try to avoid it.

Much of the peaceful parenting advice is based on these exact same principles. When we become truly present with our child and just acknowledge their upset rather than reacting to it or trying to fix it, our child can feel that presence. They may feel seen, heard and cared for and it can be very soothing for them. Sometimes they cry or complain louder because it feels safe to have that release. Sometimes they just drop in for a big hug, but a beautiful bonding can happen in these moments.

Meditation changes the brain!

I’ve been practising meditation for over 30 years and enjoy teaching it. It’s possibly the most powerful healing agent a person can bring into their life. A parent is much more likely to be able to notice that their stress levels are rising and that their tone of voice has become tense if they managed to fit in 15 minutes of meditation in their day. Or maybe sat in the garden listening to the birds with bare feet on the grass or did even a couple of yoga stretches. It’s all the little practices that make a really big difference.

Genevieve Simperingham is a Psychosynthesis Counsellor, a Parenting Instructor and coach, public speaker, human rights advocate, writer and the founder of The Peaceful Parent Institute. Check out her articles, Peaceful Parenting eCourses, forums and one-year Peaceful Parenting Instructor Training through this website or join over 90,000 followers on her Facebook page The Way of the Peaceful Parent.