Children need lots of reassurances when their parent gets upset, or even just very stressed.

When you’re stressed and frustrated, for whatever reason, your child will likely feel those feelings from you. They’ll see it in your face and body language and hear your stress in your voice and it puts them on edge.

We need to be aware that when we’re in the stress response, this tends to put our child in the stress response. They’re instinctively programmed to get their messages from their parent as to whether they’re in safety or danger. Being stressed is unavoidable for busy parents, but this awareness allows us to tune in to our child and give them the messages of safety they need to relax and get on with enjoying their day.

How to maintain the connection with our child when we’re stressed.

When our child picks up our stress, they tend to scan for whether or not we’re annoyed at them, they might wonder what they’ve done to make us frustrated. But they may not be able to identify or articulate their needs for reassurance and connection. We can mostly avoid our child getting reactive by answering these questions they might hold; “am I in trouble?”, “is it my fault?”, “might you get angry at me because you’re in a bad mood?”, “are you caring about me?”, “am I emotionally safe?”, “do you have head space for me and my needs?” Your reassurance can be as simple as a smile, an expression of care “how are you doing buddy, can I help you get ready?”, or just about any friendly interaction will likely dissipate their fears.

For the particularly anxious or insecure child, they might also need to know at least something about why you’re upset so they can make sense of the stress they’re seeing. They won’t need to know the finer details of everything that’s bothering us or all we have on our mind, but we can just acknowledge our stress; “I’m just really stressed about the time this morning, it’s hard to get everything done before we leave the house”.

Our kids do care about our feelings and stress, but they’re not responsible for our feelings and needs. As long as you remember to express your feelings maturely and responsibly, without blaming, criticising, shaming or yelling, putting simple words to your feelings  like “I’m feeling really stressed.” creates congruence between your non-verbal communication and your words and then to add words, affection, a smile or a gesture of care can help your child feel reassured that all is ok between you and them.

It’s important that children feel safe to check in with us; “are you okay mum?”, “you seem annoyed dad?”

It’s essential that our child feels safe to ask us if we’re annoyed. Many parents respond to their child enquiring if they’re annoyed by expressing all their problems, including their very adult problems which are impossible for the child to solve or even fully understand. This can feel overwhelming for a child and inadvertently gives them the message that they the child are somehow responsible for these problems.

It’s equally important that your child can trust that if they check in with how you are in some way, there isn’t a risk of the parent venting at them; “NO I’m not okay! I’m bloody angry and sick to death of having to tell you to tidy your room! Can you PLEASE help me out here and do what you’re told to do for once in your life!!”

This kind of interaction will eventually result in our child really shutting down. It’s not a request for help, it’s experienced as a guilt trip, it’s the parent taking their stress out on their child.

You might also like to read:  Getting back on track – why we explode and how to prevent it.

It’s important to be honest with ourselves and our child, that they’re not the *only* cause of all of our frustrations!

Most of the time, a parent’s frustration or upset relates more to their time pressures, the stress of not being able to meet their own needs, disharmony with other adults, worries about finances and other adult pressures.  The frustrations which result from the child’s behaviour are usually only one of many factors, yet a child isn’t aware of this bigger picture.  The parent may have had an upsetting disagreement with their partner or friend.  They may have been awake half the night with the baby.  They may be unwell, they may be stressing about how to pay the mortgage.

Yet the child who’s expressing strong disappointment at not getting their parent’s attention often cops the impact of all those other stresses.  And unlike us adults, the child is unable to rationalise that all that anger is not a reflection on who they are as a person.  Unlike adults, the child can’t process such an interaction by talking it through with a therapist or a friend. Children tend to assume that it’s all their fault and that there’s something wrong with them, unless told otherwise. We need to free them from this burden of fear and shame by taking radical responsibility for our management of our stress levels. This is NOT easy and is a constant work in progress, but absolutely essential for our child’s healthy emotional development.

Owning our emotions to protect our child. 

It can be so reassuring to the child when their parent explains that there are OTHER reasons for their stress and frustration.  For instance, a parent might use I statements to express; “I know I’m really grumpy this morning, I’m just stressed because I’m tired and there’s a lot to do today. ”  Or “I know I sound annoyed at you honey, but it’s just the stress coming through my voice.  I have a lot on my mind and I’m very stressed, but I’m not angry at you”   I often find myself saying something really similar to my kids.  They still would prefer that I was in a better mood, yet they at least know that they haven’t *caused* my stress.

And often speaking out loud that I’m stressed helps me to shift my mood and usually moves me towards connecting warmly with my kid even though I’m stressed and rushed and have tons on my mind.  If you get the feeling for how reassuring this can be for your child, you will find a way to get this message across that’s age-appropriate and accessible to them, just a simple “hey let’s take a minute to have a hug will we” or bringing in some humour communicates the same kind of reassurance.  When a parent owns their stress and learns to express it non-aggressively using I Statements, this provides great modelling for children and you’ll likely soon start to hear your child owning and naming their frustrations in similar ways.

Try to avoid giving your child confusing mixed messages about your feelings. 

Some parents want to protect their child from being affected by their parent’s feelings and instead try to mask their feelings by just speaking sweetly when they’re clearly unhappy, but this is more likely to leave a child feeling confused and insecure.  The child picks up that their parent is stressed, but the parent is pretending they’re ok, this is confusing for children. The parent who avoids ever talking about their feelings to their child may well believe that their child shouldn’t be burdened by their feelings, yet a parent’s feelings are showing all through the day in all sorts of ways and our children are highly attuned to our mood and stress levels. It’s better to own and admit that we’re stressed, but do so in a way that makes it clear that WE need to manage our stress.

To avoid our child blaming themselves or walking on eggshells, we need to clearly communicate that our feelings are OUR responsibility, not theirs.

Show your commitment to not blaming your child for how you feel

Let’s explore this with an example. You’re rush out the door to drop your child at the bus stop when your child breaks down crying saying they don’t want to go on the bus, they want you to drive them to school. when we express something along the lines of: “yes I am feeling frustrated that you don’t want to go on the bus today and I need to collect you because I have a busy day, but I do also understand your choice and it’s been helpful to talk it through and better understand your feelings”, or “yes I’m frustrated, I feel conflicted because not being able to collect you from school means you’re unhappy about going on the bus.  I feel a bit guilty and worried about you, yet I’m not annoyed at you, just concerned for you.”

If a parent masks their natural reaction too often, a child is also denied the healthy learning that their actions have an effect on others, which is best gained through calmly talking about feelings in a non-blaming way. The healthy balance is to show your real feelings honestly but maturely, offering important feedback and information for your child, while also showing care for how your feelings affect them. You might walk into the room having heard something break and see that your child has brought their bike into the house and knocked over some crockery which is in pieces on the floor. You might express; “oh no you’ve broken the plates, I’m so disappointed!” This s a real and honest response, which for most parents is a big improvement on “oh for God’s sake, look what you’ve done now, what next!”.  

Expressing your disappointment with as minimal a charge as possible (tone of voice is everything!), gives him/her the information that breaking things causes mum or dad to be stressed and disappointed. When the parent then also aims to recognise that this is also a shock and disappointment for their child and expresses care for them, things tend to progress much more smoothly from there: “wow I’ll bet that gave you a big fright! Put on your shoes and help me tidy it up”.

The parent gets to express their frustration in a way that’s enough to give the information, but not so strong that overloads, scares or shames the child.

What if the child immediately got distressed at the shock of the incident?

In this situation even expressing your feelings with an I Statement (“I’m so disappointed”) may need to wait until later when your child is no longer experiencing strong emotions. If your child had burst out crying from the shock/ stress/ worry the crash caused, you could prioritise giving them reassurance because expressing your feelings. You might start with “oh wow you must have got a big shock, don’t worry honey accidents happen” (which is true, even adult break things). If your child is distressed, they won’t have any capacity to hear and absorb even your very mature and level I statements.  It’s a matter of reading the situation and choosing your approach accordingly.

But what’s very important is to always come back to the connection after even small upsets.

Offering connection, warmth and reassurance at such times allows the child to learn rather than rebel or feel negatively about themselves; “but t’s ok honey, we can sort it out, what do we need to clean it up? .. Yes, good idea! Let’s grab the sweeping brush.   How about next time you’re finished your food, you call out “all done!””

Genevieve Simperingham is a Psychosynthesis Counsellor, a Parenting Instructor and coach, public speaker, human rights advocate, writer and the founder of The Peaceful Parent Institute.  Check out her articles, Peaceful Parenting eCourses, forums and one-year Peaceful Parenting Instructor Training through this website or join over 90,000 followers on her Facebook page The Way of the Peaceful Parent.