When children are upset and unsettled, they need empathy and connection before solutions or suggestions. They need to get their feelings out and to see that we're noticing and caring about those feelings. From the smallest to the biggest problems, they need to see that we care before they can open to our suggestions, our solutions and our advice. They don't want to know what we think, they do want to know that we care. They need gentle parenting.
Just get dressed! Just brush your teeth! Just do your chores! How hard can it be!! When power struggles ensue with your child whether it relates to getting dressed, washing teeth, eating their food, doing chores, whose turn it is to feed the cat; a lot of upset and time can usually be saved if the parent can stop, pause, breathe, see and relate to their child’s upset grumpy feelings, then show their child in one way or another that they can see and really care that their child is finding things hard. A deep sympathetic breath. A softened smile, an affectionate touch, an act of coming down to your child’s level, an offer of a hug, words of care “oh my girl, you’re not happy are you, I care, I’m looking after you, come here.”
When stress builds up and the warm connection breaks down, children can find even the simplest tasks to be too difficult.
How easily things can escalate when we react with annoyance to our child’s upsets. And yet how hard it can be to connect from the heart when a parent is in the midst of trying to keep up with an endless list of jobs to be done. Yet when a child doesn’t gain the comfort that they need, nothing else in their world is going to be okay until they do. Children can’t really cope with our reasoning with them when they’re upset. When upset, they feel emotionally fragile, sensitive and desperately need our sweetness and care. They need to be heard and feel cared for.
When children blurt out their annoyance, their complaints, their frustrations, their disappointments; for most parents, it’s much more natural to want to react and to reason with their child, to help them see a different angle, perhaps a more reasonable or “positive” perspective.
Power struggles happen when parent and child keep reiterating their perspective, but neither is willing to compromise, to meet in the middle or acknowledge the other's perspective. Parents keep reiterating what needs to be done, or might be offering a good solution to their problems, but forget that the issue isn't just about the information "what's to be done or not done", it's become an emotional issue. In power struggles, the child tends to feel shut down and given the message that they shouldn’t feel like they do **simply because of the lack of empathy**.
The child’s desperate needs to have their feelings validated and their need to safely show even MORE of their feelings are not met and now they’re even more frustrated, so they may well retort “You NEVER listen to me!”. The parent may snap back “how DARE you say that!”, the child shouts “You just don’t care!!”. The child’s left feeling alone with their big emotions and overwhelmed. The parent is left feeling bewildered at their child’s reactions. What to do?
Whose going to rise above the conflict or power struggle? It’s all too easy to escalate our child’s upset even when our intentions are to help and support. Yet resolution is always possible.
When conflicts erupt, acknowledging some of the feelings that have surfaced instead of applying pressure on their child to just do what they should do is generally a more effective approach. It takes inner strength and self-discipline for a parent to resist the urge to reason or argue despite it escalating the upset or resistance. But the more a parent practices controlling their urge to defend, control, reason or justify but moves instead towards the intention to truly listen, truly aim to understand (even when they disagree with their child's perspective or wants in that moment), this can start to bring back that important parent child connection and perhaps provide a much needed safe outlet for their child’s upset grumpy feelings. Grumpy resistant children often just need to have a big cry or a big vent and get it all out of their system.
Our children are much more motivated to cooperate and to respect and follow our guidance when the connection is strong again and when their feelings have been seen, heard and respected.
Resolving differences becomes easier when we can own our reactions, slow down, consciously slow down our breathing and then show genuine care in one way or another, even when setting limits to very out of balance behaviour.
When we can connect with that intention to listen, empathize and resolve, we're more likely to then remember to slow down, breathe and become honestly aware of our feelings, body language and tone of voice. We may identify that we've reacted from feelings of powerlessness and anger.
When conflicts erupt, most of us, myself included, find it all too easy to feel defensive, we may feel unfairly criticized by our child, we may have the urge to get them to see our point of view, but an upset child needs their parent to be the big person, to be the adult and put aside (at least temporarily) our need to be heard and understood.
When our child is upset, they're likely to be trying to communicate; “Mum/Dad I can’t cope with you not coping with my feelings. I need you to become calm, to care for me and see that I’m doing my best. I’m really hurting, please show me what I CAN do with all this anger, please listen and show me that my feelings are understandable.”
It's ok and normal to have difficult moments. In situations like this it can help when we can hold the sense that we're doing our best, our child is doing their best, it's ok that either or both of parent and child are upset, it's just a moment in time, be it a tough moment, you'll get through it and can learn from it. When things are calm again, there will be more space for talking, listening, learning and gaining insights.
What great modelling! Showing your child that you have the capacity to return back to a more calm and caring state after conflict has been sparked between you, will give them hope, inspiration and great modelling that it's possible to stay in the relationship when conflicts arise. You're empowering them to be the adolescent, then adult, who can keep the lines of communication open even when conflicts arise. ~ Genevieve