Dear Denisa,
I hope you do not mind my responding to your post but I resonated with a lot of what you said. I have been on a long journey and still working my way through. It is hard to explain but I have come to see my journey as a blessing as I have so much more understanding and compassion towards others. However I also look back at some of the things I said and did, and feel regret and embarrassment, and shame.
I do not want to overwhelm with you a list of all the things I did to start the journey, but I have posted in the past, I think it was titled “cPTSD is not an excuse, but awareness is key”. It might help you.
I really hear what you are saying about meditation. When I started I could not sit still and I thought meditation was useless. I have been practising for a long time and now I can do it. If it helps to know this, and to set the intention to do 10 minutes a day? I find it best at night when all my children are asleep – or we do guided meditations/imagary together as a family when we are lying in beds after books. Other things which might help to calm your brain (okay this IS the weird side of Youtube) is AMSR videos. I watch them and it is like being re-parented. I also find Patty Winfler’s videos (Hand in Hand) and Genevieve’s First Aid audios are very relaxing to listen to, as in some they use the tone a gentle mama would use, it sounds strange but the more I watch or listen to them, the softer I feel?
One thing Genevieve said, and it may have been in the e-course, or in a private consult – is that I need to prioritise calm. Keeping every thing calm and soft helps to stop me going into that pain zone. Lots of self-care is a priority. And also talking gently to yourself. Shame Resilience is crucial, because the more we beat ourselves out the more we lash out (Ref Brene Brown).
I want to say how brave I think you are to reach out. And how amazing your self awareness is.
Hugs,
Bianca
