Peaceful Partnering

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Any phrase that helps to create common ground can really help to dissipate tensions and lessen the power struggle in a dynamic between two adults (or parent and child). Phrases that create a sense of common ground, that can have more of a unifying than a divisive effort are: ”

This is really hard for both of us
I really want for us both to feel more understood
We’re both doing our best, but clearly both finding this so hard and painful
It’s hard when we both feel unsafe and defensive
I do believe that we both essentially just want to be happy
Even though there’s so much conflict at the moment, I know we both still care about each other

These are phrases which speak to a shared experience and can help you escape out of what can feel like a battle of wills.

Have you had experience of this kind of message being helpful, either on when you’ve said something similar, or been on the receiving end?

[Meg Rodney]

One thing that has made a pretty profound difference for my hubby and I recently was shifting away from saying “What;s wrong?” (which, quite honestly, probably came off as “What’s wrong with you?”) and instead saying, “How can I help?”

The first time I said that simple phrase, my husband said, “If you really mean that, I could use your help with xyz.” It led to a softening on his part, and it made me feel closer to him because I love to help him if I can.

[Wendy Andrews]

These suggestions are very useful to me Meg and Gen.

[Lucy McGilchrist]

wow- this is so useful – – I tend to say the opposite 😉 am working on my hurt impulsiveness!! I find lists so useful- thank you x

[Joann Sando]

Thank you Genevieve and Meg. These phrases make so much sense. Even though I haven’t had a chance to apply them yet I know I will have plenty of opportunities 🙂 and success diffusing a lot of arguments using them. 🙂

[Genevieve Simperingham]

So glad these phrases have been helpful! And it’s really great when I hear one of my kids speaking in this way.

I remember one very stressful evening, we all got home from town late, hungry, exhausted, irritable, lots of bags to bring in and put away, dinner to be made. Everyone was being grumpy with each other, then my son (about 14 at the time), stated “family this is just a really stressful time, we’re all hungry, tired and grumpy but it’s just a tough moment, we all need to just land and relax”. It was such an amazing feeling to be on the receiving end of such a dissipation of tension, such soothing compassionate words to hear.

[Joann Sando]

That’s so awesome Genevieve! What an amazing kid you raised. It gives me hope that one day i’ll hear such comforting words from my own son. Doesn’t get any better than that! 🙂

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Oh thanks Joann, you really get what a big deal such a small moment can be, and yes you definitely have SO much to look forward to! Kids just crave and soak in the love, peace and harmony, they really want the fairytale where love wins over adversity. You’re SO on the right track 🙂 🙂

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