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[Meg Rodney]

How is week 5 going for you? I really love the materials in week 5. This is where we delve in to the self-care and self-reflection. I found making the connections between my present triggers and unhealed past hurts to be both intense/scary and liberating. Acknowledging those past hurts and allowing myself to heal lessened the intensity of my triggers. Having less triggers and less intense triggers made staying present and available to my kids a lot easier.

How about you? What really resonated this week?

The meditation provided this week is very good and helpful. What information/ideas have been most valuable for you?

Any lightbulb moments?

What are you wondering about this week? Any ideas or strategies you are struggling with? Anything confusing or still unclear?

Do you have any small successes you’d like to share? Something you felt really proud of this week, a tiny step forward?

Any other thoughts, feelings, insights?

[Ruth Rothman]

Hi, I have found the material this week again really useful, however sadly havent found the time to give it as much attention as I would like. The things I would like to find time to reflect on more are
-why i get triggered when the kids hit me on the bum ( I feel so disrespected and growl/grump, when what i need to do is turn it into a game or laugh or something),
– on my frustration with Ethan being sooooo emotional (I seem to have very little sympathy for people who I think are more emotional than the situation seems to warrant, which makes me feel hard hearted) – for example yesterday he got upset at me because he was mucking around in the lounge, fell over, hurt his leg and screamed in agony, and i didn’t run over to him (i kind of felt ‘well what did you expect to happen, as it had already happened in a milder form earlier, and i had asked him to stop running around – although didn’t use an i statement!!) – so he said ‘you always wait until i have calmed down a little bit before coming to me’. WHich i thought was very insightful because on reflection i think i do – i never run to him because he is always loud and dramatic and over the top when hurt!

I can absolutely see how when my cup is full then I can be patient and empathetic and when it is empty i almost find my self ‘sucking’ the love out of my children’s cups (needing hugs from them rather than giving them hugs, or demanding that they help me etc) which i can see is unproductive.

I find that making time for myself is so important and when i manage to do it then we all win – however at the same time i feel guilt around taking time for myself.

Sometimes I feel like they just need more of me than i can give. I feel like they have all these emotions that they need to get out and I can’t seem to find the time in the moment or afterwards to let them process it. I know when i can remain calm in response they seem to be reassured about our connection and find it easier to just be, and so I consider the times this week when i have been able to meet their whining, clinging, crying, fighting etc (from all three at the same time) with kindness, hugs and patience to have been a success that outweighs (hopefully) the times when i have been short and grumpy.

And there are all these things that i want to find time to ‘play out’ like Troy’s hitting his sister, or Ethan’s fear of the dark, or his frustrations at school.

But, the piece about being gentle on myself does resonate, I know that i don’t have to be perfect, that the bits i am managing to get ‘right’ are helping, and that it all takes practice and reflection.

[Meg Rodney]

Really nice reflections, Ruth.

The meditation this week (week 5) is a reflection on working through specific issues one is having with one’s kiddos. I think it might be really helpful for the 2 issues you listed. It is about 12 minutes long.

[franziska schmid]

Sorry about not having been in here, its been another wobbly week for us…
Positive in many ways, but wobbly….

Manawa stayed home all week last week, not wanting to go to school, and weve had two meetings with her teachers which were fairly poor.

Manawas feelings were basically brushed off every time, and they kept telling her to ‘be brave’ and ‘you cant run away from problems’
Each time I brought it back, saying, what are the steps you will take s teachers? She is not feeling comfortable, she is anxious, she needs support. How can you help?

So they did say they would help her integrate with other cildrens play etc, and when i picked her up after school she was okay until we got in the car and then lost it.

So then we had more huge release and tonight got to the point of her saying sje didnt want to stay and felt pressured at the meeting because they were telling her to be brave etc… and she was feeling betrayed by me because i left her there. (i had asked her whether she was okay with staying at school today, and she had agreed, but it was in front of the teachers, so i should have known…)

Anyway, lots of release happened and i am pretty confident we will be changing schools (i had told her we would review our schooling decision after the first term, and decide then, as weve had issues here from the start). Personally i would like to homeschool her, but for bevan that is basically out of the question.

I found the week 6 meditation really good, in terms of relating to bevan actually. I found myself being triggered by some of his actions (not necessarily in connection with manawa) and having this tight knot i my throat and chest, which in turn made me snap at him. I would feel very tense and the suddenly burst into tears, blaming him for making me feel that way.
So the meditation really guided me down into my depths, and I gained a real understanding of where these feelings come from. I really focused on letting the feeling, the knot, just be there. To explore memories that connected with it and not try and fight it or find a scapegoat.

Big tears. Big tears…! And i feel since then a kind of fog is slowly lifting and i am even more acutely aware when my feelings come up and get mixed up in the real world…
I do feel that i need a bit of therapy to work through some things that came up for me.. as i was feeling a bit scared to explore these on my own, in my house where my responsibilities could need me at any moment.
Genevieve maybe you could help me out with that? How many weeks i advance do I need to book you these days?? ☺

So about week 5, lol. The material has been great and I really would like to get back into the journalling. I so crave for Bevan to play with Manawa and hope he will take these guidelines and find the space in his heart when he is ready.

[Meg Rodney]

Hi Franzi,

How wonderful it is that Manawa not only felt safe enough to tell you of her discomfort at the meeting but that she is so attuned to herself and you to be able to tell you how she felt. It sounds like that school is not a good fit (and I do cringe at them disregarding her feelings and telling her that she has to be brave 🙁 ), and I hope you are able to find something that is a better fit. I love homeschooling, myself, but it is definitely a choice that is best if both parents are on board with it. How close to the end of the school year are you? I am wondering if Bevan would be open to pulling her out and you homeschooling her the rest of the year. Maybe it will work so well that he will be open to continuing?

I’m glad to hear that the week 6 meditation helped you with some feelings related to interactions with Bevan. This peaceful parenting thing really isn’t just about parenting, is it? I hope those tears bring you much healing!

It sounds like a lot of releases and healing are happening for you and Manawa. I hope time will bring Bevan closer to that place, too.

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Franzi, thank you for sharing the update. Like Meg, I also cringed at the attitude of the teachers, but was feeling so “Go you!!” in reading how you kept bringing them back to how they can help Manawa. It can be hard for most parents to stay centred and hold strong to valuing the child’s feelings and needs in the face of that kind of invalidation. I don’t know if you experience this, but I know for myself, those kind of challenges have always given me another pocket of my own history of wounding within the educational institutions. But you held strong and centred and represented Manawaa.

Yes I hear you that you regret missing the cues when she agreed to stay in school that day, and again, so hard to stay attuned on that level in that atmosphere. But great, as Meg said also, that Manawa then felt safe to identify and express all those feelings with you later and had some big releases.

I guess your schooling options out your way must be limited, and yes really tricky that Bevan’s not interested in homeschooling. And you know maybe it wouldn’t work so well because of how much conflict could result between them if she wasn’t in school. I can imagine there is much for you to face and figure out around all that.

I’m really pleased to hear about such profound healing you’ve experienced triggered by the meditation. And yes it’s often in those moments that we are reminded of just how much more of that is needed.

Re doing some counselling and healing work with me, I’m in town tomorrow and the person who I’ve offered the 1.15 slot to hasn’t got back to me, so if she still hasn’t got back to me by this afternoon, maybe you could jump into that time slot, and maybe Bevan could pick Manawa up from school. Anyway, I’ll leave that thought with you, but there seems to be a bit more space in my schedule this and next week compared to previous weeks, so we could find a time for next week I’m sure. And just so you know, I’m away (heading back to Ireland with my family) for the month of July.

[Genevieve Simperingham]

@Ruth so much clarity and insight in your reflections.

I agree with Meg about taking each of those issues into that meditation. I think it’s good to listen to it with your finger on the pause button and give yourself plenty of time at each stage. And also really good to have your journal with you and jot down your insights.

Re journalling, with your first question, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that one taps into some really deep seated issues – given the society we live in and how we’re only starting to emerge out of a very toxic sexist society that has created deep wounding for females and males alike. Of course your children are not objectifying or sexualising or aiming to be disrespectful, they’ve possibly seen it or picked it up somewhere that this is an action that’s a bit loaded, and kids can’t help trying to dissipate the tensions out of anything that touches on anything taboo like or off limits. So yes being overly dramatic in a hilarious way in your response might help to take the charge out of it, and also might allow you to have some of your expression and outlet but in a way that’s not intimidating for them; “I can’t BELIEVE you hit my bottom!!!” kind of thing. I don’t know if they have ever experienced being smacked on the bottom, or even witnessed it (which is in itself scary for kids) but if so, there is probably some power reversal and reenactment going on as well.

But for your own processing, it would be interesting to do some stream of consciousness writing (first things that come into your mind unedited) with a statement starting with something like “when one of the kids hit me on the bum, it stirs up ….. ” or “it represents ….. ” or “it reminds me …… “.

I’m also imagining that the feelings that get stirred in you relating to the hardness you feel when you percieve Ethan to be over reacting may also run very deep. How were you responded to when you expressed strong emotions as a child? Was it safe for you to do so? What memories do you have of having the biggest strongest feelings and the extent that you could or couldn’t show them and how your parent/s responded and how their responses were felt by you, the messages you internalized at those times. Some journalling on these kind of questions, as well as doing the meditation track around this issue, could be really helpful.

Also, have you read this article:

Why do many parents struggle to cope with their child’s cries?

[franziska schmid]

Thank you! Both meg and genevieve, for those reassuring words. It was so difficult to not fall into their way of thinking, or then hold my anger and frustration back!

Ah I am working this week (doing in home childcare, and manawa is home also) but next week wednesday I am free so far! So that would be amazing, in town!

And yay for going back to ireland, i hope you will have a beautiful time there with your family. Is it summer there at the moment?

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Franzi, yes bits of reassurance make a difference don’t they when facing the big challenges! Ireland, summer yes and if the weather back there in July is as good as we have here now with highs of 17 – 19 degrees then I would be delighted. And if it only rains for a third of the time I’ll be pleased lol!

I’m only in my town room every second wednesday I’m afraid, so 24th will be my next day after tomorrow. Unless you want to come to the house or do a skype session. Email me when you get a feel for what might work on that one.

[Ruth Rothman]

Just want to share that I am finding the reassurance that the aim is not being perfect now incredibly useful, and also think that this is often an issue for me in that I get incredibly frustrated and impatient with myself for not being perfect at something straight away, rather than recognising where I am in a learning journey and enjoying being there, and celebrating how far I have come!!
Also finding the meditation really useful, listening to it as I go to sleep at night ( so perhaps not meditating officially, but definitely helping me relax and hopefully letting my subconscious process it by night to make up for the shortage of time during the day!). Thank you all again.

[Meg Rodney]

Very lovely, Ruth 🙂

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