My two boys 3 & 1yrs have this thing of melting down together when I turn up. My wife and nanny say they are fine until I appear. When I do they both come running,one starts his emotional download then the other follows. Neither want to go to anyone except me. This same thing happens when something goes wrong for them. They both want daddy daddy. A couple of days back I had been at work and arrived back and the tears where uncontrollable for them both. I was tired and didn’t have the energy to handle both so asked Dana or Kath to please take one. Neither would go so I physically had to remove myself from one of them. I am a stay at home dad so the kids get to see me most of the day and I share a room with both of them so we get to see each other a lot. Surely I can’t just be the only safe person for them or is there some other underlying need between us that has not yet been met ?
Hi Evan, ok good question. Oh boy it’s a tough one hey! I’m wondering if one of us should copy your question into the forum so that the others can take part as well? Genevieve
I’ll just respond here and then we can copy it into the forum later if you like. Firstly, how lovely that the boys feel so very safe with you to pour it all out, to seek you out, and how strong the bond must be for them to miss you when you’re gone and so strongly crave that reconnection with you when you’re back.
Usually when this happens – the kids are fine then when the parent appears back on the scene, they break down into a huge upset – the children are usually then suddenly feeling and needing to express that they’ve missed their parent. I hear you about being exhausted after working or generally feeling stretched (and it’s always hard to not be able to walk back in the door and land before dealing with a challenge) – and of course if the boys at all pick up that you’re resistant and not fully available for them to pour it all out, it exasperates their upset and their attachment instinct to experience that really satisfying warm bond and connection can go into overdrive. Even though it’s really hard to do so, at times like this, know that you need to really draw on that heart energy to give them both (more than twice as hard I know!) that feeling that you really really do get that they missed you. “Oh my beautiful boys, you missed me didn’t you, you’re sad that I wasn’t here aren’t you, here we go big big hugs, I’m filling you both up from the bottom of your toes to the top of your heads with all my love!” kind of thing. Now you’ll have your own way of doing that, but it’s that really evidence of being really fully present, really feeling the empathy that tends to bring the soothing that’s needed, and also that helps them move from the chaotic upset where you can see they’re just all distressed and frazzled but not actually having a good releasing cry – to that point of having a really healthy cry that really is letting it all out.
If you arrive on the scene and the boys lunge forward and it triggers something particularly difficult or reactive inside of you (most parents have all sorts of triggers going back to their own childhood relating to upsets not being tolerated or cared for) – then as you’re sitting there and they’re crying, you somehow need to do that super human thing of bringing your attention inside and finding your centre and that where the self-empathy helps so much, thinking to yourself “oh boy this is so bloody hard, I can do it, I can do it”. Taking the big deep releasing breaths can help.
Sometimes if the child gets upset a lot when they see the parent, as well as them needing to show how hard it was that they were separate (which they probably didn’t feel so consciously when you were gone and they were engaged playing) – this can be address with some one on one quality time together with each of them. This is addressed in Week four’s material. It’s something that children seem to often need, and it really is such a magic remedy. Have you found that in the past, when you’ve managed to carve out some quality one on one time with one of them (always hard to pull off I know), then it results in your little one being so much more settled?
This question reminds me of the question relating to Branson going to kindy in the mornings and what I said about the child’s attachment instincts to be with their primary attachment figures. So, I’m wondering about this. How can you and Kath help to facilitate the bonding between the children and the nannies? I’m not suggesting they’re not bonded and I don’t have the picture of the dynamics, but bonding is an ongoing process really. I’m wondering about playing some games all together, the kind of really fun games like all kicking a ball around on the back lawn, all playing Simon Says together, standing in a big circle and throwing the ball from one to another, each taking turns to make a shape or a noise and everyone copies it then naming who the next person to do it is. I have a book with tons of play options for helping kids build body and emotional awareness which I can bring when I visit.
And the other thought that came to mind straight away when I read this Evan is that it’s really good that the others are doing this eCourse and perhaps there’s something about how you express the empathy and care for them when they’re upset that hits a spot for them in a really satisfying way, and wondering if Dana, Helena and Amanda have the confidence to be with the boys in their big meltdowns and if there’s more that needs to be negotiated between you all to help increase everyone’s clarity and confidence. Children know when the adult caring for them is confident responding to their upsets or not, and can only gain that really satisfying sense of soothing and release when the adult can truly stop and drop into the moment and just be with their upset – as opposed to that instinct that most have (because it’s what most people grew up with), to just fix it, end the upset, which of course tends to have the opposite effect of the child becoming more frazzled, distressed, or they start demanding all sorts of things that might make them feel happy – when in reality the best way for a child to feel happy again is quite often to really feel and express the upset, then they can happily move on and will truly be settled again.
And as I learn more about all the dynamics and more of the background, I’ll have more insights about where the tweaking is most needed.
Thanks Genevieve. Lots to think about. The last paragraph does resonate. I tend to just hold them and let them have there meltdowns rather than try to talk them through it. As you point out maybe this is what they need. Just a safe hug to get it off there chest. 3 under 3 1/2 is challenging and the sleep tank is very low so my wife and I agreed that I need to take a little time out so I can dig a little deeper and not lose my centre at these times.
PS Very happy for you to post this to the main forum.
Yes Evan it’s a very tricky balancing act in caring for ones distressed child. Sounds wise to put more focus on filling your needs, so hard to give from an empty tank, and yes 3 under 3.5 is so intensive and it can take a long time to catch up on sleep, rest and generally catch up on oneself and feel more on top of it all.
Little ones don’t need, nor can they cope with, many words but they do need to get the message that the adult is truly caring for them with empathy. Simple words like … Oh my boy you’re so so upset. I’m right here right here. Said with a tone that reassures him that you get what a hard time he’s having can bring a child’s distress right down and allow a healthy release. Our heart felt empathy takes them from all that homes conflict and turmoil to a clean releasing cry.
The more we resist their upset the more the upset persists.
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My two boys 3 & 1yrs have this thing of melting down together when I turn up. My wife and nanny say they are fine until I appear. When I do they both come running,one starts his emotional download then the other follows. Neither want to go to anyone except me. This same thing happens when something goes wrong for them. They both want daddy daddy. A couple of days back I had been at work and arrived back and the tears where uncontrollable for them both. I was tired and didn’t have the energy to handle both so asked Dana or Kath to please take one. Neither would go so I physically had to remove myself from one of them. I am a stay at home dad so the kids get to see me most of the day and I share a room with both of them so we get to see each other a lot. Surely I can’t just be the only safe person for them or is there some other underlying need between us that has not yet been met ?
Hi Evan, ok good question. Oh boy it’s a tough one hey! I’m wondering if one of us should copy your question into the forum so that the others can take part as well? Genevieve
Hi Evan,
I’ll just respond here and then we can copy it into the forum later if you like. Firstly, how lovely that the boys feel so very safe with you to pour it all out, to seek you out, and how strong the bond must be for them to miss you when you’re gone and so strongly crave that reconnection with you when you’re back.
Usually when this happens – the kids are fine then when the parent appears back on the scene, they break down into a huge upset – the children are usually then suddenly feeling and needing to express that they’ve missed their parent. I hear you about being exhausted after working or generally feeling stretched (and it’s always hard to not be able to walk back in the door and land before dealing with a challenge) – and of course if the boys at all pick up that you’re resistant and not fully available for them to pour it all out, it exasperates their upset and their attachment instinct to experience that really satisfying warm bond and connection can go into overdrive. Even though it’s really hard to do so, at times like this, know that you need to really draw on that heart energy to give them both (more than twice as hard I know!) that feeling that you really really do get that they missed you. “Oh my beautiful boys, you missed me didn’t you, you’re sad that I wasn’t here aren’t you, here we go big big hugs, I’m filling you both up from the bottom of your toes to the top of your heads with all my love!” kind of thing. Now you’ll have your own way of doing that, but it’s that really evidence of being really fully present, really feeling the empathy that tends to bring the soothing that’s needed, and also that helps them move from the chaotic upset where you can see they’re just all distressed and frazzled but not actually having a good releasing cry – to that point of having a really healthy cry that really is letting it all out.
If you arrive on the scene and the boys lunge forward and it triggers something particularly difficult or reactive inside of you (most parents have all sorts of triggers going back to their own childhood relating to upsets not being tolerated or cared for) – then as you’re sitting there and they’re crying, you somehow need to do that super human thing of bringing your attention inside and finding your centre and that where the self-empathy helps so much, thinking to yourself “oh boy this is so bloody hard, I can do it, I can do it”. Taking the big deep releasing breaths can help.
Sometimes if the child gets upset a lot when they see the parent, as well as them needing to show how hard it was that they were separate (which they probably didn’t feel so consciously when you were gone and they were engaged playing) – this can be address with some one on one quality time together with each of them. This is addressed in Week four’s material. It’s something that children seem to often need, and it really is such a magic remedy. Have you found that in the past, when you’ve managed to carve out some quality one on one time with one of them (always hard to pull off I know), then it results in your little one being so much more settled?
This question reminds me of the question relating to Branson going to kindy in the mornings and what I said about the child’s attachment instincts to be with their primary attachment figures. So, I’m wondering about this. How can you and Kath help to facilitate the bonding between the children and the nannies? I’m not suggesting they’re not bonded and I don’t have the picture of the dynamics, but bonding is an ongoing process really. I’m wondering about playing some games all together, the kind of really fun games like all kicking a ball around on the back lawn, all playing Simon Says together, standing in a big circle and throwing the ball from one to another, each taking turns to make a shape or a noise and everyone copies it then naming who the next person to do it is. I have a book with tons of play options for helping kids build body and emotional awareness which I can bring when I visit.
And the other thought that came to mind straight away when I read this Evan is that it’s really good that the others are doing this eCourse and perhaps there’s something about how you express the empathy and care for them when they’re upset that hits a spot for them in a really satisfying way, and wondering if Dana, Helena and Amanda have the confidence to be with the boys in their big meltdowns and if there’s more that needs to be negotiated between you all to help increase everyone’s clarity and confidence. Children know when the adult caring for them is confident responding to their upsets or not, and can only gain that really satisfying sense of soothing and release when the adult can truly stop and drop into the moment and just be with their upset – as opposed to that instinct that most have (because it’s what most people grew up with), to just fix it, end the upset, which of course tends to have the opposite effect of the child becoming more frazzled, distressed, or they start demanding all sorts of things that might make them feel happy – when in reality the best way for a child to feel happy again is quite often to really feel and express the upset, then they can happily move on and will truly be settled again.
And as I learn more about all the dynamics and more of the background, I’ll have more insights about where the tweaking is most needed.
Thanks Genevieve. Lots to think about. The last paragraph does resonate. I tend to just hold them and let them have there meltdowns rather than try to talk them through it. As you point out maybe this is what they need. Just a safe hug to get it off there chest. 3 under 3 1/2 is challenging and the sleep tank is very low so my wife and I agreed that I need to take a little time out so I can dig a little deeper and not lose my centre at these times.
PS Very happy for you to post this to the main forum.
Yes Evan it’s a very tricky balancing act in caring for ones distressed child. Sounds wise to put more focus on filling your needs, so hard to give from an empty tank, and yes 3 under 3.5 is so intensive and it can take a long time to catch up on sleep, rest and generally catch up on oneself and feel more on top of it all.
Little ones don’t need, nor can they cope with, many words but they do need to get the message that the adult is truly caring for them with empathy. Simple words like … Oh my boy you’re so so upset. I’m right here right here. Said with a tone that reassures him that you get what a hard time he’s having can bring a child’s distress right down and allow a healthy release. Our heart felt empathy takes them from all that homes conflict and turmoil to a clean releasing cry.
The more we resist their upset the more the upset persists.