Why good kids make bad choices
Stages of moral development explained

“Why is he behaving like this?”, “what’s got into her?” How often have you been beside yourself trying to figure out your child! Understanding the stages of moral development shines light on what truly motivates your child’s behaviour. Understanding these stages can transform your parenting, resulting in raising children who develop a strong moral compass.

Every parent wants their child to ultimately do the right thing for the right reasons, to be motivated at least some of the time, by integrity, care and compassion, not just self-interest. Parents want their child to have confidence but also humility, to develop positive emotional and social skills, yet have the courage to question social norms. To support, and avoid inadvertently thwarting, our child’s optimal moral development, it’s important to examine our parenting approaches with these stages of moral development in mind.

By the end of this article you’ll have likely gained valuable insights into your child’s development. This clarity can greatly help you to support your child’s progression of their moral reasoning. I’ll explain the model, then walk you through a relatable example.

The six stages of moral development

The late American psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg developed a framework for the stages of moral development that has continued to be the most influential theory in developmental and moral psychology. Kohlberg showed that moral reasoning becomes progressively more values based, nuanced and less dependent on external authority or consequences as people mature. A fascinating finding in his research was that 85 – 90% of adults continued to operate at the lower stages of development throughout life. This widespread arrested development undoubtedly explains so many of our social and political problems.

Gaining clarity about what’s reasonable to expect from children makes it easier to support children to up-level. Sadly, children are too often shamed and punished for normal, developmentally appropriate behaviour. In working with countless parents, I see huge reductions in conflict and defiance when parents learn to set their child up for success.

Stage 1: Fear of punishment

At stage one, children do what they’re told for fear of getting in trouble. Right and wrong is determined by whether behaviour gets punished or rewarded; “I don’t hit my brother because dad would get angry at me.” The motivation is entirely external and self-protective. While fear can motivate obedience, it also motivates them to avoid detection. Fear doesn’t motivate children to consider the impact on their brother.

In motivating children through fear, be it punishments, timeouts or raised voices, we keep them stuck in the lower levels. They learn to consider “will I get caught?” rather than “what’s the right thing to do?” When adult supervision disappears, so does good behaviour. Not only do punishments or rewards (the stick and the carrot) not motivate children to care about their sibling, they’ll likely resent him for crying out to the parent.

Stage 2: Rewards and self-interest

Children at this stage are motivated by self-interest; they’ll tidy their room to get screen time. Rewards and praise are often presented as positive alternatives to punishment. However, motivating children with rewards can undermine their intrinsic motivation to complete tasks for the personal satisfaction of achieving the task or doing the right thing.

In “Punished by Rewards,” Alfie Kohn presents studies that show children offered rewards for tasks involving problem-solving or creativity tend to produce lower quality work than those offered nothing. When rewards, whether screen time or stars, become the goal, they diminish the inherent value of the action itself. We want the dopamine hit to come from achievement rather than acquiring the reward.

Stage three: Social approval and peer pressure

As children grow, their circle expands to include peers, teachers, and their broader social world. At this level, behaviour is motivated by wanting to be liked, belong to the group and seen as “good” by others. “I don’t want my friends to think I’m mean”.

This stage leads to developing social skills and considering the needs, boundaries and expectations of others. While it’s a critical stage, it’s still a fragile foundation for morality. They haven’t yet internalised a sense of right and wrong independent of others’ opinions and approval.

Children motivated primarily by social approval are vulnerable to peer pressure. Unless they start to develop higher levels of reasoning, kids, especially teens, are vulnerable to actions that are immoral or risky for the sake of fitting in.

Stage four: Following rules, authority and maintaining social order

At this stage, children move beyond simply avoiding criticism, gaining rewards or the approval of the group to valuing the importance of structure, routines, agreements and rules. This level represents an important development in understanding and willingly contributing to social order and includes respect for the wisdom and guidance of leaders, be they parents, teachers or other authority figures. They develop values for fairness, contribution and responsibility. They may independently reference rules or family agreements.

However, children who don’t progress beyond this level may struggle to think critically about rules that are unjust or enforced by those abusing their authority. People who don’t progress past this level can struggle to act morally in situations where no clear rule or agreement exists. They may blindly follow authority, even if asked to do something harmful. Following authority blindly has proven to be a dangerous phenomena. With authority comes power and power doesn’t always bring out the best in people, especially when the authority figure has not developed their higher levels of moral development.

Level Five: Social contract and democratic values

At this higher level of moral development, people begin to develop their own moral code based on values like fairness, compassion, mutual respect and critical thinking. They understand that while rules are necessary, they can and should be questioned when they conflict with higher moral principles. They recognise that context matters when determining right from wrong. They learn that determining right from wrong and decision making are complex rather than simplistic. They develop more tolerance and curiosity for the views and perspectives of others even if their actions seem “wrong”.

They develop abilities in critical thinking through researching and hearing all sides of debates on complex issues. To have nuanced understanding, they learn that they need to reflect on and listen to their own inner wisdom. They learn that to do the right thing is more complex than doing what their peers do, following the leaders, or following the rules and the laws. As Haim Ginott puts it; “Blind obedience to authority can lead to the greatest atrocities, while thoughtful disobedience can be the highest form of loyalty to humanity.”

Level Six: Universal ethical principles and integrity

This level is a progression from the process of deep thinking, reflecting, researching and questioning that happens in level 5. It represents the highest level of moral development, where behaviour is guided by deeply internalised ethical principles and values. People at this level act according to their conscience and personal integrity, even when it’s difficult, unpopular, embarrassing or goes against authority. They ask, “What kind of person do I want to be?” or “What does my integrity require of me in this situation?” They’re no longer simply motivated by self-interest, being liked or accepted by others, they are willing to do that which is for the greater good, whatever that may mean to them. These people tend to be driven by a sense of purpose, conscience and a higher good. Examples would be a parent …..

It’s in developing this higher moral compass that allows people to find their way back to a better path when they’ve been led astray.