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[Meg Rodney]

How is everyone doing with the second week of material? Personally, learning how to actively listen was the first step I took on my peaceful parenting journey, and it has been an invaluable tool.

How about you all? What really resonated this week?

What information / ideas have been most valuable? Any lightbulb moments?

What are you wondering about this week? Any ideas or strategies you are struggling with? Anything confusing or still unclear?

What is your small success this week? Something you felt really proud of this week, a tiny step forward?

Any other thoughts, feelings, insights?

[Inez & Schmidti]

I guess the biggest part for us this week are the I-statements. We are both engineers and are asked to give solutions/fix stuff all our professional life. Going into a observer role: I see… and giving the kids a chance to self correct their action is probably our light bulb. It makes sense, they can keep their dignity and especially our son (5) wants to do everything perfect… rings a bell for me, I was like that as a child. Even saying the solution with a loving voice doesn’t make a difference, it is still a correction, so slowing even more down and observe will be our task – phew, better stock up on ice cream and chocolate for the parents!

[Ruth Rothman]

A couple of ‘flashbulb’ moments for me this week – the realisation that I keep thinking about/asking how to peacefully deal with a situation in terms of getting the kids to do what I want, rather than letting that go and focusing on just breathing and being open to other ways to achieve the overall outcome.
And the i-statements video and the realisation that most of my sentances to my kids start with an order or command or request, followed by the ‘why’, instead of observing/stating what I see and why it is a problem for me/why it worries me…and thereby giving them space to ‘do the right thing’. This also makes me really think about why I want them to do or not do something – If I can’t explain ‘why’ I am worried, then it isn’t really something that I should be ‘controlling’…Simply focusing on this today and even stopping mid command to rephrase it has had a positive effect.
Oh, and the visible difference in Ethan before and after his ‘release’, and the realisation that too often I probably acquiese to his demands/emotional requests in an effort to keep hiim ‘happy’ rather than holding the ‘limit’ and dealing with the emotional ‘fallout’. Needing to allow time for this too – today we didn’t have to be anywhere or go out etc so could take the time to hear and process his release.
What are you wondering about?  What is still tricky or confusing?
How do I know when to hold a limit and when I am being too ‘this is the way it is’…I try to be reasonable about what has to be done and how (as in try to be open to other ways of doing that the kids might see) but how do I know when I am being too open and too responsive such that I don’t hold a limit that might otherwise provide a release?

What is your small success this week?  What small changes have you made that feel great?  Any moments with your child that warmed you heart?
-working on ‘I statements’ instead of ‘do this’
-having the confidence to help Ethan release, and stay calm and not be provoked by his language or trying to hit me, and rather seeing through it to his hurting and loneliness.

[Ruth Rothman]

Oh, and for moments that warmed my heart:
An increased frequency of lying in bed with my 4yo and him saying ‘i love you mommy’ with a big relaxed sigh, or a big expansive hug, or a giggle.
SEeing my 6yo go from saying not wanting to talk on the phone (out of worry about crying and being too teary to talk on the phone (towards end of a big release)to being calm and having about 20min phone conversation with his dad about what he is interested in and his plans for stuff to do together when he gets back

[Ruth Rothman]

(and last but not least – seeing how much my 2yo relaxes when i say ‘you really want…’ – even when i can’t give it to her, when i have to follow this up with ‘later’ or ‘but…, how about, shall we…’ the understanding and willingness and trust that i see in her face just leaves me warm and fuzzy).

[Meg Rodney]

Inez – yes! Not trying to fix it for them and not giving them the ‘right solution,’ allowing them to problem solve (what an important life skill!) is huge and so, so hard (more so given your professional roles as problem solvers). It was hard for me, too, but the investment has been worth it to see what good problem solvers my boys are now.

[Meg Rodney]

Ruth – I found myself nodding throughout your post. Yep, I remember that lightbulb moment, that one, too, and yes! to that, too. 🙂

I love how much it sounds like the act of slowing things down has opened things up for you – it has given you the space to center and given your kiddos the space to release and to express their love. So beautiful!

Such a HUGE realization with regard to your requests/demands – that you were focused on getting them to do what you want and now you are more open to alternative solutions and figuring out the why behind your own requests.

With regard to limit setting – that is tricky. I know I had a period of time where I became a little permissive because I had a hard time figuring out if my limit was arbitrary or had real reason. And it isn’t clear cut. What might be a limit that needs to be held at my house might not be a limit that even exists for someone else. But, over time, that will become clearer for you. Just remember to be patient and understanding with yourself as you navigate this.

Such heart-warming moments you shared, too. I loved them!

[Ruth Rothman]

Thanks Meg, yes I think being a bit permissive has happened since becoming a peaceful parent – and i have come to realise there hasn’t been enough talk (initiated by me) about expectations such as what has to be done at school, in class etc – because I don’t always agree with it so I feel torn about encouraging ‘compliance’ such as they expect – but at the same time there are some things that just make life easier for our children if they understand what the rules are (i find this really tricky in letting them know the expectations without sending the message that they have to ‘do as they are told by adults’ which is what the school seems to tell them).

Now a big question i have that i forgot to ask is ‘how do i hold a limit without physically moving my children?’ for example yesterday holding the limit of not making more pancakes was straight forward because i was in control of that; but when it comes to bedtime, and i have talked with them and come to an agreement about how it could go (such as how long they want to play for, what order they are brushing teeth etc, and it comes to THAT TIME when they agreed to be in bed by etc and they just aren’t stopping or moving (especially my 4yo – my 6yo seems to be getting it now that he has agreed to something so the right thing to do is to do it but 4yo is mostly like ‘i just need to,..’ and if i say okay when you’ve…then…’ he agrees but doesn’t…) what can i do that doesnt involve taking the toy or book and picking him up and brushing his teeth and putting him in bed, even gently etc? I have tried enticing him (look, i’ve got these awesome books..etc or how about you choose a couple of books…etc) and playing ‘i’m coming to get you’…but he just doesn’t like going to bed and going to sleep. He even says ‘i don’t like going to sleep’. So long winded and sorry if you or Gen or Tab have answered this for me before and i’ve missed it, but it seems to be a sticking point at his age. (is it in this case a matter of picking him up onto my lap and saying ‘i know you don’t like going to bed, you really want to play’ etc then letting him have a release?)

[Ruth Rothman]

…and further on holding limits…i really like Gen’s suggesting that we ask each child to acknowledge the others point of view (instead of forcing an apology). However while i long ago gave up on the ‘forcing an apology’, i feel that i kind of leave it hanging in the sense that i empathise with the one that is ‘hurt’ physically (ie toy taken, hit etc) and then with the one who is hurting (frustrated, toys broken or smashed down either accidentally or on purpose), i have been asking them to check that the other is ok, but if they don’t want to acknowledge then what should i do?

Oh, and another question – is the aim to be problem solving everything – so instead of saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when they ask something should i be like ‘well my concern is that…so what do you think we should do?’ eg if they ask for lollies for breakfast or to go do something that is outside of our budget…?? this feels like the right thing to do ,however in some cases I want them to reach a certain conclusion and can’t really feel myself going along with the alternative (ie such as actually eating lollies for breakfast (once might be ok, but what if it was forever!))… so then it doesn’t feel like a genuine offer to let them problem solve!

[Tabitha Jonson]

So cool reading these Inez & Ruth!!

Ruth, I think the question of whether to hold a limit or problem solve or let it go is one we all constantly deal with and it is tricky. I guess it is also the crux of this journey becuase it’s not about which ‘limits’ are right but about how to best meet everyones needs.

Next week is specifically about limits so I am sure there will be more there to help you get your head around this. I even made a flow chart which may appeal to your logic Ruth. 😉

One thing I try to remember is that if our kids are connected and in balance they are much more likely to hear our opinions.

So the lollies thing for instance. Option 1 – say yes and let them go for it. Does that feel right? Does it fit with your values? (For some families it does and others it doesn’t.)

Option 2 – Hold the limit. “No honey I can’t let you because…”

Option 3 – Problem Solve / Discuss but it’s not just you listening to their ideas. Listen to them then be assertive with your ideas too., “It’s really important to me that you have a lot of nutrients in your body. I know lollies don’t have any nutrients so i don’t feel comfortable with you eating them every morning.”

They may then come up with lots of reasons to ‘convince’ you but you don’t need to agree simply to solve the problem, it has to actually work for you too. Ask what it is about lollies that appeals. is it they are yum, because it’s ‘not allowed’??

If they are feeling settled, have lots of choices in other areas of their lives and can hear the care behind your words they are likely to hear your opinions. (Obviously depending on age and level of understanding.)

If they become fixated on lollies for breakfast this is probably a cue that a clear limit could help. They are showing they are no longer operating from a thinking place so it’s not going to work to problem solve or explain. Really warmly say “I’m sorry hon, we are not having lollies for breakfast.” and give lots of empathy. “You wish so much you could and we can’t.”

It is tricky and we are going to mis step. As our lovely Wendy often says, kids know what they need and will always give you another opportunity to help them get the feelings out if you miss one cue.

You also asked about setting the limit for bedtime without physically moving them. There are some tips in Requests as it is really more an assertive request. You are clear that it needs to happen but as you say you can’t ‘make’ them. So going and connecting first – ‘Look at this you’re making Troy. Wow!’ stop and listen or a bit. ‘Hon, it’s bedtime very soon. When is a good stopping point?’

Be kindly insistent. ‘When will you finish?’ Perhaps gently pop your hand near or on the toy to help him focus on you although if you’ve connected first he’s more likely to already be partly focused on you.

If he doesn’t come up with one suggest options. ‘How about you add this thing and then the rest in the morning?’ or ‘How about you get the trains all snuggled up in their shed for the night?’ then ‘I’ll pop back in a couple of minutes to help you finish them off.’

gain kindly insist – ‘It’s time now. Let’s get them in their shed, that’s it in we go.’

He will either go along with you (at kid speed so sloooowly with lots of chatter about the trains and where they go etc ) or he will protest. Empathise and insist. “Hon you really don’t want to pack up? You’re really disappointed it’s pack up time?” and keep heading toward the goal so popping things away or gently guiding toward the room. I often suggest games along the way and sometimes empathy will then enable them to engage in a fun game. ‘Wanna piggy back there?’

So the least amount of physical intervention you can do – just a real gentle hand on their shoulder whilst empathising, “You really don’t want to go to bed and it is time. You’re really sad huh?”

I have been know to follow a child up our treehouse to encourage them to come brush teeth. It tends to end eventually in either a big cry or a willingness to engage in a playful to get to the bathroom.

If this triggers a big meltdown obviously stop and be with that. The other thing is some kids find little things to cry about at bedtime so don’t be too afraid to say no to the ‘Just this one last thing.’ “i know you really want to… We can do that in the morning. I know you’re sad we can’t do that now.” I find if I go through too many hoops they tend to just find something else to cry about so if I feel the tension I set those limits early. Especially if it’s something they usually don’t care about.

The other thing is if going to sleep is a recurring issue for Troy maybe explore it more at another time. Maybe pretend to ‘go to bed’ on the couch and then make lots of fuss about not wanting to. he may join in and make you go to bed. Also maybe ask him what it is he doesn’t like about going to sleep. Four is quite common for getting a bit scared at night so listening to anything he brings up and / or playing about it at other times can help too.

[Ruth Rothman]

Thanks Tab! – So funny, i was out running this morning and thinking about a flow chart of sorts to help organise my thoughts about what we are learning! haha. Yes, i like the idea of playing it out – a while back he was worried about the dark, about things that are black in the bedroom…we’ve had lots of talk at other times about how black is when light isn’t reflecting off, and how when there is no light then it cant reflect and show us colour etc but i know that night fears are not ‘rational’…

Re the lollies/asking for things that don’t sit right with me, i feel part of it is about me needing to be consistent as i notice that when i am tired/empty cup i am much more short and ‘no’…whereas if i’m in a good mood and had lots of sleep etc then i am more open to ‘what harm can it do, lets have a bit of fun, or at least lets talk about it…must be so confusing for them. I have been trying to at least say ‘can i think about it’ to give me space to decide what approach to take, and i pay more attention to their reasons why it should happen as a guide to whether i am being too rigid.

Sadly today I was very tired, and so less patient with Ethan calling me names tonight although i knew he was out of sorts and had to get something out. Managed to apologise although perhaps not quite reconnect. Tomorrow perhaps…

[franziska schmid]

Wow some big workings happening!

For me its been a very forward week with Manawa. Especially the weekend. She had been coming home upset from school on friday. It took her a while to be able to tell me what actually happened, but it turned out that the games at break time had been very stressful for her (once again..) and she hs a really hard time fitting in. And a few of the girls had been excluding her and ‘kicked her out’ of a particular game they had going for a few weeks (which had been stressful for her anyway).

So saturday was quite an emotional day pretty much all day, and sunday was also, and i didnt get the time and space to actually sit down with her and let her release and problem solve, we were basically ‘putting it off’ all weekend, because other things were happening and there just wasnt the right moment…
Then on sunday afternoon one of those friends from school who had been involved came over to our house for a play. Manawa was extremely full on from the moment she arrived (overly excited and bouncing off the walls, noisy, not listening) so I was expecting a big meltdown any moment.

And it happened whe we were leaving to go for a walk at the beach. Manawa wanted to find her hammer and nothing couod deter her from it (very angry facials and voice)

once i did finally manage to get her in the car and we drove off, i took the opportunity. I just started the conversation with ‘Manawa yiu seem to be really upset about something, are you still feeling hurt about what happened friday at school?’
her reply was just ‘sort of’ and then she started to release and talk about it all (faith did such and such and she always does it to everyone and she is so mean and she just kicked me out and…and and…i hate her etc)

Then the other girl in the back agreed and they talked about how a few people are being treated unfairly etc.

So I asked them what they think they could do when it happens again and they tried to kind of problem solve but didnt seem to come up with much.

Then the subject got dropped (i tink it was still very raw and hurtful and Manawa actually COULD NOT problem solve just yet, too emotionally hurt)

And we didnt talk about it again until this morning when she was having breakfast. She was very sulky and nothing was right about breakfast. So I raised the issue again, hoping she would have a cry about it and then find the space in her thoughts to problem solve.

I sat with her and just listened and reflected back and empathised, until she came and sat on my lap and cried and cuddled me and there was a silence, a very good silence!
And then I asked again, what do you think you could do, so that you dont get hurt again, to protect yourself, without hurting anyone else i the process?

And she did it! First she said she wanted me to come to school and talk to Faith. To which I said that would be great, but sadly I think she would just tease you for it afterwards, or feel accused herself and teat you eve worse.
She thought about it and said that she wanted to go and see whether a few other children would play with her instead.

And I reassured her that would be a very good idea, and that if it would not work out for her then we would talk about it again and find more solutions.

Waiting for the bus we then played with Rory, making selfies and fooling around on the bench seat with lots of giggles. Was so lovely.

So we had a good week implementing the material and I really appreciate it all.

Bit different for Bevan. He seems to find it hard to apply the ideas, I havent heard him use the suggested sentences very much (apart from some i statements, but sadly for him, not quite the right timing…got to listen first and empatjise before using the i statements..)
I feel a bit stuck, because I feel very triggered by him not participating as much as I want him to.. and I find it difficult to find empathy for him, even when I try and remind myself of his upbringing etc. I just keep thinking ‘youre and adult, make the choice and just get over yourself and do it!’ Which wont get me anywhere grr.

Anywas thanks for reading, sorry very long post!! 😥

[franziska schmid]

So I could call that a lightbulb moment lol, realising that we cant try and problem solve too early. Gotta let all the emotions wash over first and release them to make the mind free….

I did know that intellectually, but now I kind of experienced it fully it makes ore sense. I knew it for ages, but it seems to have only just fully sunk in. A lot of the time I try problem solving too early.

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Lovely to read all this Franzi. Yes big lightbulb moments about not problem solving too early. And yes isn’t it funny how sometimes we just need to hear/ see/ read these concepts a few times before they truly sink in. We really are re-wiring our brains with this stuff!

And yes what a huge difference between the chat in the car, which I’m sure also overall really helped Manawa get some of her frustrations out and feel hears, but then with the last example where you let her control the timing and didn’t bring in the problem solving too early – she had that release in your arms and reached a naturally calm place, and then had her creative flexible thinking available to both think of and feel confident to try another approach of asking some of the other kids if they wanted to play.

Yes I hear you in your frustrations with Bevan favouring the I statements over connecting and empathising first. It’s very easy for parents to latch on to the “I” statements as the place where they get to express *their* frustrations, and attempt to get *their* needs met. But alas, without the balance of connecting first and the active listening, a child is unable to be considerate about the adult’s feelings and needs. And there’s a high risk of the child feeling guilt tripped. Perhaps if you notice yourself going in with the I statement too fast and it backfiring, or problem solving too early, you could share that with Bevan to help him understand the theory more through you sharing your process with it all.

Re Manawa’s wish for you to talk to (was it Faye). When the kids were little, there were times when I had a lot of success in mediating their differences using all these same principles of active listening, acknowledging both perspectives/ needs with respect, encouraging with lots of reassurance that I believed they could work it out and helping them problem solving. But it does of course depend on whether you have a relationship with the other kid already and if there’s a time and a setting that would be appropriate to have such a focused interaction. Even simple words along the lines of “hey Faye I know there’s been tensions between yourself and Manawa and I know that can be pretty stressful, but I believe you kids can work it out, you both have such good hearts” – can be enough to help dissipate some of the power struggle between them. But I realise this is tricky business.

[franziska schmid]

Thanks Genevieve 😊

Yes I feel not quite comfortable yet to go up to school and try and set up a little meeting and facilitate. I think I would be able to do it, but it is getting the teachers to let me facilitate that would be difficult for me I think.
And in this case I have no personal connection with Faith, sadly! With a few other friends of Manawas I do try and facilitate problem solving in this way. Although it isnt easy!

And do you mean sharing these moments with Bevan in the moment or afterwards? Or whenever?

[Jessica Rowe]

Hello all, I just got through week 2 and also my father, who was visiting us for a week, is now gone. I had a nice evening of catching up on my ecourse. Week 2 really layed out the framework of action for me and I think I was really needing that clarity. To approach a difficult situation with the strategy is helping me to feel good and confident, instead of hopeless and powerless.

The active listening part really hit home for me. This is a concept that I’m not familiar with (sadly). It’s bringing me joy to be able to give my kids the gift of active listening. Also giving my husband too! This is helping me to slow down and feel compassion and love instead of panicked. In conflicts of the past, I would feel such a sense of urgency to just make everything quiet and good again. I would rush in and try to fix things. I love the concept of solving it all down and connecting. My kids don’t seem too interested in problem solving but I just watched that video so maybe thing will change.

One thing that happened tonight, both my boys wanted to play with cards. They were screaming so loud I couldn’t talk to them. The older one hit Luke and it just felt out of control. It was tough because they were making it hard to connect. It was a hard moment for me.

I’m really feeling good, it’s a lot to remember but I’m taking it moment by moment and putting this all into practice

[Meg Rodney]

Jessica – I’m glad that things are going well and starting to come together for you and your family. Such a great point about the active listening being a good thing to use with spouses, too.

As for the problem solving – it is really a skill that takes time to learn and practice to get good at. I remember needing to be with my boys and coach them through it for a while, but then, one day, I noticed that they were able to do it on their own. Now they nearly always problem solve on their own, though they do occasionally need some help.

I can see why the incident over the cards tonight was a tough moment. It is so hard to center and connect when there is screaming and hitting. I think the material over the next few weeks will help you feel more able to get centered and connected in those tough moments.

Thank you for sharing your insights from this week!

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Franzi, when I said “Perhaps if you notice yourself going in with the I statement too fast and it backfiring, or problem solving too early, you could share that with Bevan to help him understand the theory more through you sharing your process with it all.” – I was thinking of you sharing your thoughts about how successful or not your approach was when you dealt with a situation in a certain way, that might help Bevan’s learning.

So, if you were to say, for instance, to Bevan “Manawa was really upset about having a hard time at school, she really just needed me to listen and to get it all out, but I wanted to help her think about what she could say tomorrow and I’m really frustrated that I didn’t just give her all the space she needed, because I think I just shut her down. I’m also really frustrated because I’ve blown my chance, for now at least, to help her problem solve what could work better. I really really want to get better at the active listening, because I so want Manawa to feel that I really understand and that I have the patience to listen to her feelings” – then that would give Bevan a chance to remember that you’re both learning through trial and error.

And because it’s the recounting of a stressful moment, there is less tension for him to deal with and more likely that he’ll be able to hear what you’re saying and reflect on his own experiences with Manawa.

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Jessica, it’s so good to read that you’re making your way through the material and that it’s bringing more clarity of thought. And great that you’re really clicking with the whole active listening piece. It’s just so essential to healthy communication and the more you practice it with the kids, the more they’ll pick it up. Being on the receiving end of being heard and empathized with, for any of us, is what really builds the ability to hear and empathize.

Like Meg has shared of her experience, it’s been my experience as well that all my hard work of taking a lot of time to do the active listening and problem solving with the kids when they were little resulted in them getting better and better at communicating in a similar way with each other. So all your hard work these days is just such a great investment for life for all of you. And as you say, so important in your relationship with hubby as well.

[Ruth Rothman]

I have to vent a litlle….I feel so bad and hypocritical when I consider myself a peaceful parent and yet I lose it sometimes. I’m working really hard to stay peaceful with the boys at bedtime as i know that they get all ‘hyper’ (run around jokingly screeching and screaming ‘save me’ and hiding and jumping on furniture and anything except getting into bed) on being told that it is time to get into bed (I assume because of other times when ive lost my temper, or am not as calm as they need me to be) – I was doing well tonight until Ethan whacked me with a plastic pipe while I was getting Troy’s teeth done and I growled at him and hit the couch with the pipe really hard which scared him – after which he got into bed and we had stories and I apologised for scaring him – and then again, after I sent our babysitter home before he’d even started because i couldn’t get Eve to sleep and the boys were still up) Troy hit me with the same pipe while i was putting Ethan to bed (which hurt me and gave me a fright) because he was frustrated that Liam wasnt staying so i retaliated (and then put him in bed and hugged him and apologised as well) but i get so frustrated at this because it seems like I am patient patient patient and they don’t do anything until i lose my temper and then they get into bed. Gen has said that this is ‘normal’ in that they are ‘nervous’ about whether I will ‘break’ and growl…and once i have it kind of releases them from their anticipation of it happening and then they can do what i am asking them to do. So i can only get around this by being calm consistently night after night to reassure them that i won’t ‘explode’ at them…which feels like a huge ask. I know that getting them giggling and stuff is meant to help release the tension, but that also feels like a huge ask at that time of day! But i will keep trying, and celebrating the small successes like all of the times prior to the ‘explosions’ that I have stayed calm and patient and loving, plus my getting better at overriding my inclination to withdraw and not soften to them afterwards and instead reach out and hug and apologise.

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Oh Ruth, it’s just so hard trying to settle three littlies all on your own in the evenings when you are yourself, no doubt, exhausted! So hard to not lose it! And yes I totally agree that maintaining relatively calm and patient and finding a different outlet in those moments of wanting to explode is so so hard.

What can really help is to have little mini meetings to talk about the plan for the evening before the time pressure is too high. So maybe even at dinner time, or just before you announce that it’s time to start getting ready for bed. Keeping it relaxed and friendly and involving them in problem solving how it can work well tonight. Doing some acknowledging of their feelings; “kids I now that there was some upset last night and that was hard for us all wasn’t it. I notice I’m feeling quite tired and am wondering how we can work well as a team tonight so we all have a really lovely couple of hours before you guys go to sleep.”

Perhaps remind them how they love to jump around and have lots of fun when getting ready for bed, and that doesn’t work well because you want to make sure they get to sleep on time to get enough sleep, so perhaps there’s a fun physical game that they could play straight after dinner (or between 6.30 and 7 maybe). What games are the least energy intensive for you Ruth but that you could be involved with to increase connection, warmth, dissipate tensions, bring in some power reversal silliness on your part maybe.

Using I statements, as long as equal focus is given to *their* feelings reminds our kids of our humanness and our limitations and helps to take the parent out of the sergeant major role. And being a bit silly in playing with them has a similar effect of reducing power struggles and dissipating some of their fears of the parent’s anger.

Here’s a little game that I played with Oisin that he went for again and again and again. In fact we were talking about it just the other night and he was remembering how exciting it was for him every single time. It’s the positive PP version of the counting to 3 (or 10 or whatever), but there’s no threats involved. So I would say to him “hmmm I wonder if you could put on your jammies AND put your cars back in the car box all in the count of … hmmm .. count of 30??” to which he’d nearly always up the challenge and say “I can do all that in 20!!”. And I’d invariably end up doing a bit of “19, 19 and a half, 19 and three quarters … 20!!!!” He just always loved a challenge and it was a way of me making it fun and exciting for him while keeping things moving forward.

I don’t know if it would work for your boys, but it’s worth a try. It’s tempting to use it for the washing of the teeth as well, but it will of course mean that those back molars don’t quite get the attention they need, but parenting is a constant balancing act isn’t it.

And back to when they do something like whack you with a plastic thingey and you want to, very very understandably, retaliate, anything you can say to yourself along the lines of owning your anger can help. Maybe walking into your bedroom, sitting on the bed and saying out loud “this is really hard, I want to scream, I’m so angry, this is really really really hard”. Just voicing out loud what you’re feeling can bring some outlet and the very act of doing this helps you remember that your anger is your responsibility to manage and brings in a little self-empathy. Then you can go to Ethan and use an “I” statement; “Ethan, I know you were just playing and didn’t mean for it to hurt me, (reassurance of his innocence) yet it really did upset me. (space here for him to repair, and if he doesn’t or can’t because of his guilt, you can help him do a little repairing by asking … ) Can you acknowledge that it would have been very upsetting for me to be whacked with the …. when I was helping Troy wash his teeth” Asking for the acknowledgement is a way of moving things forward rather than it just sitting heavily in this place of him having done this bad thing that upset you so much (even though it’s true).

[Genevieve Simperingham]

@Jessica I’ll bet you can relate to Ruth’s bedtime difficulties also being in the situation of your husband not being at home to help with the bed time routine and the challenges of getting three littlies down?

[Meg Rodney]

Oh, Ruth, it is hard! And I can relate to the patience, patience, patience, lose it situation. Genevieve has given excellent practical advice. I just want to add: be kind to yourself. This journey is hard, and you are doing awesome work and improving all of your lives. You will have times when you don’t react as you had hoped or you will make mistakes. You can take that opportunity to show your kiddos what to do when mistakes are made (which you are doing). When we acknowledge our mistakes, apologize, make amends if we can, and self forgive, we are giving our kiddos a great example to follow.

[Jessica Rowe]

I just logged onto the forum to type up a VERY similar Bedtime explosion I had tonight and it read your post Ruth. It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone. I put three kids to bed every night alone too.

Today we had such a nice day. I was really pleased with myself and the kids. But then, right at bedtime, I exploded. It’s really hard to feel like I’m a good mom after I lose it even if it’s just for a second. I am sitting here now thinking how sorry I am and wondering if I’m screwing these kids up by my sudden outbursts. Immediately afterwards I apologize and repair the situation, but I just hate myself for doing it to them.

Here’s what happened:
I had a real struggle getting all kids dressed in their pjs. The boys didn’t want to end their play. After we all had our story, we went into bathroom to brush teeth and that’s when it all went south. Ozzie(oldest) was giving me a hard time and saying he was too tired. I was flossing his teeth and he kept moving. I was getting frustrated bc it was also getting late and I just wanted the night to be over. All of a sudden Luke and Luna are screaming at eachother fighting over a coin. Ozzie was turning his head to see the coin (while I’m flossing him). I kind of used my hands to keep his head turned towards me, in a not so nice way and he got upset. I stood up and said “give me the damn coin” and I grabbed it out of my son Luke’s hand. When I did that my fingernail cut his hand. Everyone was crying and I just felt HORRIBLE! I immediately apologized and hugged and kissed but my oldest had tears in his eyes and he started chewing on his shirt. I could see that I really scared my children and I just feel so bad.

I wanted to share this because I think it’s going to help me. I have a lot of shame when it comes to talking about this. But keeping silent just fuels the fire. I don’t want to be a scary mom. All of the good I did today was wiped out in an instant. Or at least that’s how it feels.

[Meg Rodney]

Jessica – I know how it can feel like all of the good is wiped away when we have an out of control moment. And it takes such courage to be vulnerable enough to write about our mistakes, but it is in that courage that you will gain the strength to make the changes you need to make so that nights like tonight happen less often. As I mentioned to Ruth, be kind and compassionate with yourself. Own your mistake, make amends, and forgive yourself.

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Yes I also want to acknowledge your courage Jessica in talking about the rough bits. And yes I agree with you that there’s value in talking about the really tough stuff, and we all know that awful feeling of regret. Yet I agree with Meg, it’s building the muscles of coming back to peace with ourselves, making amends, repairing and starting again that leads to us getting better and better at the self-care, self-compassion and self-forgiveness. And that’s essentially the skill that we need to be able to access at this tough moment to be able to reset. So good on you both Jessica and Ruth, for talking about the really hard bits, and bedtime is a really really tough one for so many parents, especially when partner isn’t on the scene at that time.

[Ruth Rothman]

Thank you Jessica for sharing – I agree I also hold such a sense of shame in not being in complete control all of the time. I am feeling so much better about being able to make ammends though, and forgive myself, and see how resilient children are and how much they appreciate seeing that we are trying, that we also make mistakes and are learning.
Meg and Gen – thank you again for your suggestions and reassurance.
I feel so supported being in this forum, and just knowing that making a mistake, while it may set things back, is not the end of the world, makes all the difference.

I have to share a postive moment from today –
Today at the hospital for an audiology appointment for my 4yo – i consider it a mini-peaceful parenting win – right from the get go he did not want to even go to the hospital so on the way i had talked about what to expect, the ‘games’ they would play, and had deliberately been early to avoid rushing (to the extent we ended up being 1 hour early!! Luckily they had tons of toys). Even so, once we got into the drs room he did not want to do anything the doctor asked and the doctor was being pushy and like ‘c’mon, be a good boy, c’mon now, it won’t hurt. there’s other people waiting. oh well you’ll just have to go. etc. I knew he was probably scared but he wasn’t telling me or even nodding when i asked if he was scared, just covering his ears and putting his face into my chest or pushing against my head with this. I tried joking with him a little, putting the ear buds in my ear etc, but reassured him that i wasn’t going to make him. The dr said well what are we going to do mum? I said i just needed to talk to him, as he was probably scared, given he’d recently had his immunisations. He didnt want to let the dr look in his ears or put any testing equipment near them..instead of getting frustrated with him I just said shall we go and have something to eat…he nodded so we went and sat in the waiting room (the dr said well if there is another gap you can come back in then) – T had something to eat and i asked again if he was scared. Now that the dr was out of his face he nodded;; i reassured him it wouldn’t hurt and asked if he felt like giving it another go after his snack. He nodded, and finished off his snack and we were allowed back in (because we had been early so were only just now into our appointment slot, luckily) and he was angelic throughout, sat still, answered, smiled etc. I don’t think the dr quite believed he was the same child. The beauty of giving him empathy and control :).

AND tonight the bedtime routine was much smoother, for a variety of reasons which I am too tired to elaborate on, but going to bed a lot less sad tonight (am sure last night’s meditation track helped too). So thank you.

[Ruth Rothman]

I also feel the need to acknowledge that while it is hard at times doing this alone (ie when partners are away for the day or week or more) it is often just as hard doing it together as you are both trying to negotiate how to ‘do this’ PP thing and learning, and it is always easier to see how you think the other person should be doing it (well I find this with my husband anyway) than having the same clarity in the moment for oneself. So for anyone thinking OMG how can I not do this when i have my partner here, also be forgiving and kind to yourself and each other! I feel when my husband and I are both doing this there is more chance of mixed messages as we figure out the limits we want to hold and so on, and the communication between us is essential.

I will also add that one of the benefits i do find though is being able to tag-team it through the rough moments…when one of you can see the other reaching the end of their tether, gently stepping in and offering to take over, and the one being relieved being thankful instead of defensive (if possible, if i’m tired i get a bit irritated with myself and my partner that I can’t get it right, so will be working on this when he’s back). Anyway, i hope this makes sense. 🙂

[Meg Rodney]

Ruth – I think I would consider the doctor situation a big win, not a mini-win! You were able to stay focused on your little one’s underlying feelings even with the pressure of a pushy doctor. You were able to give your little one the space he needed to process even though the pressures around you were saying “hurry up. Don’t inconvenience people. Your boy’s feelings are not valid. Etc” I think that is really big. Peacefully parenting at home is one thing, being able to do it in public is another challenge altogether. But you did it! Yay!

Such a good point about peacefully parenting with a partner. It can sometimes be more challenging when there is that second person, especially if one is at a different point in this parenting journey and don’t quite agree on how to handle situations. I came to peaceful parenting before my hubby, and since we split out schedules, I got to practice pp alone with my boys quite a bit. I remember feeling the pressure when my hubby was home because I wanted desperately for him to see how well it worked, and sometimes it was messy and didn’t look like it was working!

[Ruth Rothman]

Thanks again Meg. Yes, I really feel the pressure for others to see how well pp works – and i have to remind myself that the aim is to have confident, self-assured children (with whom i have a super strong connection) who can think for themselves, not children who will just do whatever they are told when they are told, so it does look ‘messy’!

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